A lot can change in 1 year....

One year ago this week, I was about to set out on, what i thought, was a dream experience.
You see, growing up in a very very dysfunctional, non-operational family, poor, in the hills of TN, I didn't have a real family life, so to speak.
I bounced around from home to home, relative to relative, and friends families.
I was always searching for that Norman Rockwell family portrait, to be able to experience what it was that I saw in movies or tv shows about a family that was one unit.
I never really had that until my adult life.  I was able to find that sense of belonging and experience.

So the guy I was seeing at the time, had this amazing, perfect family.  And when i say perfect, I mean, look up the definition of family and it should have been a portrait of them.
The mom was amazing, Cooked amazing food, took care of the kids, made them breakfast, pretty much the most perfect mom anyone could ever ask for.  She was involved in their schools, games, after school activities and even their friendships.  She was like their best friend.  She was the glue in the family spine that held it together.  The kids were all so perfect.  They all were attractive.  They were all educated and spoiled, but not spoiled to a point where you would know they were "spoiled".  They were blessed to have a family like this.  Spoiled in a sense that it was so perfect that it would make everyone else jealous.  They were just drowned with love and adoration from the family and the parents really loved them so much.

I had seen families that were real families before but never anything like this!  It was amazing.  I felt like I was living in a  dream.
So we were approached to spend a month with them in NJ.  Of course, I was exploding at the seams.  I wanted to go immediately.  I wanted to experience this.  I wanted to feel the love and adoration of the family.  After all, they loved him so much, maybe I could get just a small piece of that, even if it were for just one month.

So off we went.  Since we both could work from home, we packed up the dogs, our clothes for a month and started out on a month long journey. The road trip was, mehhh, but I couldn't wait to get there.  One of the funniest parts of the trip was him just wanting me to pass out and sleep so I wasn't talking to him all the way.  I do like to talk a lot....

We arrived in NJ to a warm welcome from his mom and sisters.   I tell you, I had the best summer of my life.  Just living up in NJ for a month, getting to experience this amazing family life, getting to know all of his family members and to me, drawing us closer together.  I adored this man.  Just sleeping beside him in bed made my energy feel like a complete circle.  I think that is hard to explain.
Its like, people give off a certain ora or energy.  I know I am a white light of energy.  But I always felt like there was a missing piece to my circle, maybe even damaged from all the injuries of my childhood.  But when I was beside him, i felt like that incompleteness, finally made a complete circle.  I was better.  I was shinning brighter.  I did more good in the world.  Even something as small as a scent that he gave off made my heart flutter.

Anyway - it was the best summer of my life.  It was like I was reading a book, yet I was in it.  I was experiencing it.  The family was amazing.  Being in NJ was amazing.  Growing our bond was amazing.

The basis of this thought on the blog is a lot can change in a year.  While I am very thankful that I got to experience that, I no longer have any of that in my life.  And looking back, this week was the week that we were preparing to leave for the trip.  All I have now is the memory.
I am hoping that as each year passes, the memory becomes more fond and less painful.  Remembering the past is sometimes, oftentimes, painful for a hopeless romantic.  I hope, in my life, I am able to experience this type of family love again.

In closing, cherish those family memories.  Cherish the love that you share, for when its gone, it will leave a sting in your heart.
I just wish that family knew exactly what they meant to me.

hopeless romantics always finish last

Sometimes its the most painful part of my life...being a hopeless romantic.
Yes, I wear my heart on my sleeve and I dream of having a Hollywood love story, which I did.
It just seemed to turn into a horror film.
Sometimes a hard reminder of the past is a jagged knife into the soul.
I want to remove this so its not a reminder every day, but I can't :-(

Living in a world that is painful is a very difficult challenge.
I need to stop trying to be romantic...its over rated.
For you I was only a chapter, for me, you were the entire book.

Shame on me for believing that you were my forever, my person.