A lot can change in 1 year....

One year ago this week, I was about to set out on, what i thought, was a dream experience.
You see, growing up in a very very dysfunctional, non-operational family, poor, in the hills of TN, I didn't have a real family life, so to speak.
I bounced around from home to home, relative to relative, and friends families.
I was always searching for that Norman Rockwell family portrait, to be able to experience what it was that I saw in movies or tv shows about a family that was one unit.
I never really had that until my adult life.  I was able to find that sense of belonging and experience.

So the guy I was seeing at the time, had this amazing, perfect family.  And when i say perfect, I mean, look up the definition of family and it should have been a portrait of them.
The mom was amazing, Cooked amazing food, took care of the kids, made them breakfast, pretty much the most perfect mom anyone could ever ask for.  She was involved in their schools, games, after school activities and even their friendships.  She was like their best friend.  She was the glue in the family spine that held it together.  The kids were all so perfect.  They all were attractive.  They were all educated and spoiled, but not spoiled to a point where you would know they were "spoiled".  They were blessed to have a family like this.  Spoiled in a sense that it was so perfect that it would make everyone else jealous.  They were just drowned with love and adoration from the family and the parents really loved them so much.

I had seen families that were real families before but never anything like this!  It was amazing.  I felt like I was living in a  dream.
So we were approached to spend a month with them in NJ.  Of course, I was exploding at the seams.  I wanted to go immediately.  I wanted to experience this.  I wanted to feel the love and adoration of the family.  After all, they loved him so much, maybe I could get just a small piece of that, even if it were for just one month.

So off we went.  Since we both could work from home, we packed up the dogs, our clothes for a month and started out on a month long journey. The road trip was, mehhh, but I couldn't wait to get there.  One of the funniest parts of the trip was him just wanting me to pass out and sleep so I wasn't talking to him all the way.  I do like to talk a lot....

We arrived in NJ to a warm welcome from his mom and sisters.   I tell you, I had the best summer of my life.  Just living up in NJ for a month, getting to experience this amazing family life, getting to know all of his family members and to me, drawing us closer together.  I adored this man.  Just sleeping beside him in bed made my energy feel like a complete circle.  I think that is hard to explain.
Its like, people give off a certain ora or energy.  I know I am a white light of energy.  But I always felt like there was a missing piece to my circle, maybe even damaged from all the injuries of my childhood.  But when I was beside him, i felt like that incompleteness, finally made a complete circle.  I was better.  I was shinning brighter.  I did more good in the world.  Even something as small as a scent that he gave off made my heart flutter.

Anyway - it was the best summer of my life.  It was like I was reading a book, yet I was in it.  I was experiencing it.  The family was amazing.  Being in NJ was amazing.  Growing our bond was amazing.

The basis of this thought on the blog is a lot can change in a year.  While I am very thankful that I got to experience that, I no longer have any of that in my life.  And looking back, this week was the week that we were preparing to leave for the trip.  All I have now is the memory.
I am hoping that as each year passes, the memory becomes more fond and less painful.  Remembering the past is sometimes, oftentimes, painful for a hopeless romantic.  I hope, in my life, I am able to experience this type of family love again.

In closing, cherish those family memories.  Cherish the love that you share, for when its gone, it will leave a sting in your heart.
I just wish that family knew exactly what they meant to me.

hopeless romantics always finish last

Sometimes its the most painful part of my life...being a hopeless romantic.
Yes, I wear my heart on my sleeve and I dream of having a Hollywood love story, which I did.
It just seemed to turn into a horror film.
Sometimes a hard reminder of the past is a jagged knife into the soul.
I want to remove this so its not a reminder every day, but I can't :-(

Living in a world that is painful is a very difficult challenge.
I need to stop trying to be romantic...its over rated.
For you I was only a chapter, for me, you were the entire book.

Shame on me for believing that you were my forever, my person.

Death....a sad occurrance

This weeks tale will be that of a young boy who grew up on a Hill in Tennessee.  This hill was covered by Aunts.  As you can tell by my wittiness, this boy grew up living on a hilltop surrounded by his family, which were his dad's sisters, The AUNTS.
Growing up in TN as a hyper child (pre-adderol) his family had their hands full with this hyped up little blond hair, blue eyed devil.  He was always getting in to things.  If there was a box, he would open it.  If there was a radio laying around, he would take it apart.
The child was passed around from Aunt to Aunt to instill their values in him and share the amount of energy he possessed.  His parents worked allot and were not around very much. 
As time passes, each Aunt had their methods for handling his A.D.D.  One Aunt would make him write, over and over and over, until his hand-writing would be perfect.  She also was a firm believer in making him smell the paint in the corner.  Another Aunt would let him listen to music on record players and dance.  She would also tell him ghost stories that would last for what seemed like forever.  The another was the "cool Aunt' with the "cool car and cool house".  This is the house we went to EVERY Halloween.  Nice houses = Great treats
The other Aunt would come up with more creative methods to harness the energy. 
This Aunt was Tempie.  She would teach him things that she would learn from the Encyclopedia (yes, the books, not the Internet) To this young boy, this Aunt was the smartest person in the world.  He looked at her with amazement and would think...one day, I hope to grow up to be like her...smart.
Her methods, while exhausting, would tire the boy out and he would fall asleep.  To name a few of these time consuming activities....He was told, if you sprinkle salt on a birds tail, it wouldn't be able to fly and then he would be able to catch it.  He would spend hours chasing birds around with no success.  Another situation involved catching lightening bugs and cutting their tails off.  If he collected enough, he would be able to sell them to someone and make money. (this to a kid who grew up in rural TN was very appealing).  In the summer, He was told to catch June Bugs and tie a string on their legs to walk them like a pet...all were just a well planned scheme to keep this little one occupied and out of trouble.

This boy would get in trouble with his parents and he would run to her house, which was next door, to be protected.  He was never let down....never turned over to the parents for the beating I'm sure he deserved.
Sadly, this Aunt passed away recently.  She left behind many people who she touched.  She was loved by many. 
Its difficult to say good-bye to someone who taught you to tie your shoes, someone who taught you your multiplication tables, how to write to a thousand in Roman Numerals, someone who fed you and made sure you had good moral values instilled in you that would last you a life time.  Values and the desire to succeed in life.

This boy was me...and my Aunt will be missed.  I know, a part of her lives on in each of us...especially me

I love all of my Aunts and its sad to watch one of them pass away. 
I am a living, breathing part of each of you...Aunt Mary, Aunt Marie and Aunt Shelby.  I love you all!
Aunt Tempie Roten, you will be missed...
Thank you for the memories, the love and for taking part of making me who I am!

So from the little blond hair, blue eyed devil, I stand here, bare foot, on top of a hill, june bug tied on a string in one hand and salt for a birds tail in another,  waving farewell to you....until we meet again.


                                                          PHOTO OF THE WEEK

This is My Life, and Im stickin to it!